Eric Holder Comes OUT – “I’m WHITE Baby!”*

 
holder white
 

In a silenced hush of a press conference a nervous Eric Holder approached the microphone then burst into a big grin. “I’m White and I’m proud!” screamed Holder, surrounded by his new white friends.  A chorus of white singers in the background screamed out “Hallelujah” as the whole room erupted into a flurry of screams and disbelief.

 

“Look I’m sorry I had to hide and pretend I was black for so many years, but really do you think anyone else could have gotten away with the Oklahoma city bombing, fast and furious? I HAD to be a black man I had no choice!”

Describing as what started out as a prank with some curling irons and tan-away skin darkener to get into the college of his choice Holder went on to explain “It just got out of control. I was amazed how easily everyone accepted me as a black man even though I had white skin. And then the jobs and the money started flowing in it was like a magic faucet that poured liquid gold”

It was the 1970s and the nation was giving back to blacks in huge ways. Free entrance and free tuition to the finest ivy league colleges even if you have a C average in high school, free pass through law school, heck even Barak Obama could be Harvard Review editor and never write a single article. That’s unheard of. Much of the collapse of America through the Obama administration can be traced to these room temperature IQs who got a free pass as black men through some of America’s toughest Universities. With no ability to balance a checkbook, suddenly they were taxed with the spending of a four trillion dollar tax account. and the money flowed. and flowed. and there never seemed to be a comeuppance. Sixteen trillion deficit. Twenty trillion deficit. ONE HUNDRED trillion. just print mo money. Now the ducks are coming home to roost and as interest rates rise, America will get strangled in debt.

It was in the 1970s that Holder first met Barak Obama while both were students at Columbia University. “Oh Barak, back then we called him Barri, yah he was great always getting out of trouble by using the race card. One time he stole a huge tin of jelly beans from the canteen and when they tried to stop him he simply said “It’s because i’m black isn’t it. It’s because I’m black” and it was so shocking to see what someone pimping out the race card could get away with he soon became my teacher. Barak could barely write yet they still made him editor of the Harvard Review after the frustration of a black professor not receiving tenure. This led to student protests, Obama getting the law review, and radical professor and Obama mentor Derrick Bell leading a large protest ceremony on campus.

Derrick Bell was the originator of a school of thought called critical race theory, and he said that the civil rights laws were bad for black people because it encouraged black people to believe that there could be racial equality. In his view, the entire system, the entire United States of America was white supremacist to its core and therefore you have to bring the entire system down. To this Vision Holder and Obama have succeeded in the core with the longest harshest depression in American history and with no help or assistance programs from a callous government that denies it’s existence.

Patting his fellow white senators and congressmen on the back Holder screamed out “It’s good to be White again”

When asked if he could have gotten away with so much outlandish crime against the nation if he were public about his whiteness Holder laughed “Oh hell no. I’d be in jail before the sun went down. But now my term is up and I’m going back to private life, which I will live in my white neighborhood with my white friends and all my white money!”

 

“What was the hardest part about pretending to be black” asked Susan Darting of the Portsmouth Examiner.

 

“Oh this DC humidity.  One day it got so hot my hair lost it’s curl and people began to give me funny looks.  Thank goodness I keep a prota-curler in my office just for these things”

“What was the biggest crime you got away with?” asked one MSNBQ correspondent.

“Oh Oklahama was big but Fast and Furiious has to be the winner. I mean we gave two thousand machine guns to drug lords how low life is that? I mean sure Benghazi would have been bigger, murdering an amabassador to arm al-quaeda terrorists with stinger missles, but of course that’s Hillary’s doing so she gets all the credit for that”

Asked if there was anything he would miss about being black he replied “The sex the free poontang left and right. For some reason every girl just thought that as a black man I had huge unrelenting sex drive. Luckily there’s viagra or I never would have fool’d them as a white man.”

When asked how his new whiteness would effect his daily life Holder replied “Golf. It’s amazing that even today it’s hard to get a good tee time as a black man.”

* This piece is satire

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