Bloody attacks rang out through India this weekend. The attacks were due to a crackdown on cheating during final exams. Like in America the right to bear arms, in India the right to cheat is widely regarded as a core part of the foundation of society.

“My father cheated, my father’s father’s cheated, and my father’s father’s cheated. How dare they say we cannot cheat” said Visnu Subramanayanathi. “We have to cheat because they teach us so badly.” said Manesh Kundahar.

The students took to the streets and set fire to cars and killed police officers.

“Look in America you have four years to get your college degree, here in India we have big families to feed we cannot take off four years. Many of our engineering students have to finish their degree in just four weeks. How can they do this if they aren’t allowed to cheat?” screamed Mahributra Shandrakar, a local spokesperson for the University of Mumbai.

The best and brightest students that we are bringing into America must be allowed to cheat in order to get to America and earn money for their families. In 2011 during the depression the need for foreign workers was so high that the US granted 577,000 visas for Indian engineers. The pressure is often Horribly high on them.

“Advanced Data Structures and Architecture? In America that’s a year long course. Here in Delhi we have to do it Between 3 and 4 pm of one day! Can you imagine the pressure the terrible pressure we are under to graduate and learn everything in just two weeks!” screamed Vindra Prakesh, a student at Chologayawaki University, one of the 53,000 diploma mills that have sprung up over curry restaurants in order to meet the huge demand as over a million students each year seek to go to America on the H-1B visa.

Last year medical students rioted for not being allowed to cheat and set fire to the city. Over twenty people died in the bloody riots. The engineering students argue that their protests are meek and meager by comparison – “Just four died, that’s pretty good for India. At least we are not like the savage medical school students. Engineers are pretty tame by comparison.” – said Prabat Sammi, a advanced engineering student in her fifth day of term.

More than 3000 students of 20 law colleges in the eastern Indian state of Orissa have boycotted their final university examination and demonstrated in protest against a ban on copying. The students turned against teachers when they were stopped from copying inside examination halls this week.

“Only Mahesh can understand this law how can we possibly graduate without copying from Mahesh!” screamed a student in anger. Authorities had to call in police for help.

When a proctor at Satna College in Madhya Pradesh complained that students were copying examination answers from their textbooks, the students staged a minor riot and killed 120 people. At Mainpuri a proctor who caught students cribbing was hacked to death with knives. In Gorakhpur, a high school student brought his homicidal Alsatian dog to bare his fangs at any teacher who tried to interfere with his right to cheat. Rumor has it he ate three of the last proctors.

“These are the best and brightest students in the world” said a University spokeswoman playing down the death of thirty police in the Delhi riots, “If we didn’t graduate so many, what would America do?”